The “Easy” Steps to Clearing Out

Does the idea of tidying up your home strike you with dread? Do you feel slightly sick when you catch sight of the Hoover taunting you in your peripheral vision? Do you feel a slightly frantic obligation to clear, tidy and clean before the beginning of term starts up again? Then look no further!

1) Assess the situation one room at a time. Should this alone make you feel slightly overwhelmed, make a hot beverage immediately and take several soothing breaths, unless this will just make you more aware of the horrifying amount of dust that has been circling you and your family since you did this in 2014. Even if you don’t feel like this is calming you down, try to avoid reaching for the wine just yet, as it will probably result in you laying down on the sofa with a packet of crisps cheering on athletes in the Olympics and crying vehemently that this is indeed the year you will get that fit.

2) Tidy before you clean. It sounds obvious but many have gone before you who have dusted each item and then turned in dismay to see a fine coat of gloating dustmites reappearing within minutes. Look for places to put things that are easily accessible. Should something not quite fit, throw it with considerable vigor into the largest pile of mess you can find in the hope that fairies will take pity on you and tidy it up for you. (Perhaps after you finally give in and get through a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc you will see them at work.)

3) Now for the cleaning! Everyone’s favourite part! For this you will need the Hoover (I know it’s scary after all this time apart but it’s going to help you), a slightly damp cloth and a duster. If this is a spontaneous decision to clean then you may well find yourself creating a make-shift duster out of the pair of knickers that you have always loathed, or perhaps now is the time to bid goodbye to the ill-considered purchase of a bandana in early 2015.

4) For the braver amongst us, once the room is tidied and hoovered, and all the junk you can’t quite bear to part with yet is in somebody else’s wardrobe, you may decide that today is the day you Hoover the stairs. This task is not for the fainthearted; should you be like my mother at all then beware as the tired machine flings itself down the steps at you, and ignore the neighbour children’s stunned gaze as they hear brand new expletives fly from your mouth. In the style of my mother, then begin a lengthy rant where you proclaim that it is a useless piece of machinery and suggest multiple reasons why (they dont have to make sense; in fact, it is better if they dont).

5) Go to the fridge and retrieve the wine. If anyone should comment on your hair, the amount you are sweating or if “you’ve missed a bit”, you are well within your rights to subject them to several episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Dinner Date, or any other programme you will very much enjoy but they will despise, after a lengthy rant involving the phrases “if you ever got off your backside”, “if I had a penny for every time…” and “I’d like to see you try!”.

And just like that, your house will be looking spick and span!